So, as I am winding my way down to the end of my second to last semester in college, I've started thinking and exploring who I truly am. The only thing that I am absolutely sure of is that figuring out exactly who I am is extremely difficult. Attempting to exist outside of the perimeters and definitions that family, friends, professors, peers and coworkers have long mapped out for me is nearly impossible, or so I find.
I am Kennedy : the Senior waiting to receive her degree in English.
I am Kennedy : the perspective law student who doesn't know how to verbally communicate her thoughts in a 200 level course, let alone a prestigious law school, even if I do have the grades be accepted.
I am Kennedy : the apparent one upper, although it is a habit I have been working on. I will confess it was not something I ever truly noticed on my own.
I am Kennedy : the girl who is just existing most days to make sure that everyone else is okay, even when I can't make the effort to be the person that made them that way.
And that is where the disconnect lies. I find that I am a people pleaser, but only when it comes to their preconceived views of who I am. I strive to make others proud of the body, the mind, the space that I have been inhabiting for 22 years. However, when it comes to satisfying them by existing outside of this realm - I'm lost. I'm so lost, there appears to be little to nothing that can bring me back to the center.
And maybe that's okay. And maybe it's not. Yet, I'm learning to navigate in the skin and bones and soul that I have struggled for so long with. For years, I attempted to restructure the foundation that I was built on. I never realized that the house I needed all along was whoever I wanted myself to be. I'm still learning to go home in my being.
I think I'll get there one day.
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